By Dr. Laura Docter
I have three grown children. The oldest is a woman, the youngest is a man, and the middle one is, well, in the middle. They are all wonderful people with big hearts and capable minds who enrich my life, and the lives of many others, daily. I am occasionally asked how I parent the oldest one, especially as she balances family and career; and I am occasionally asked how I parent the youngest one, especially as he balances athletics and academics; but what everyone really wants to know is how I parent the middle one, Eli, especially through navigating gender.
I studied gender as part of my doctoral work in curriculum, teaching, and social policy in the early 1990s, and even though I learned how it was socially constructed, I still understood gender to be binary. It was not until my own child told me about their gender experience that I began to understand it as a spectrum. Twelve years ago, Eli wrote me a letter explaining they* were trans. This was not something I had been prepared to face on my parenting journey. Leading with love and attempting to lean into curiosity, I did pretty well, but now I think my challenges might help other parents do better.
Before I understood that my child was transgender, I noticed they were struggling and sometimes could not think logically or communicate effectively. They had always been a fantastic thinker and speaker, and suddenly they could not function in the classroom or on the sports field. I did not get mad at their poor performance, but I did go into “fix-it mode” and take them to every specialist I could think of, to address any mental and physical health issues. I was so concerned for Eli’s well-being that I was filled with fear. Unfortunately, my fear fueled Eli’s worries, and, if I could do it over, I would work harder to be steady, hold them, and validate their stormy feelings.
I wish I had learned earlier to turn inward. Looking back, I would strive to be more centered and grounded myself, so my children would both be buoyed by my presence and learn to self-regulate in healthy ways. One of my deepest worries used to be that as a trans man Eli would not be able to find a partner to love. This, of course, revealed my own inability to think of a trans person as being lovable. When I shared this worry with Eli, in an effort at honest and open communication, it was crushing. Not surprisingly, they had already thought of this, and were also very worried about finding people who would love them. To hear that I, the person who likely knew them the best and loved them the most, harbored this concern made it almost unbearable.
Luckily, step by step, I got better at sharing the things that were helpful, necessary, and kind, for Eli, and putting anything that did not pass that test on the back burner to explore in my own therapy sessions. Learning to care for myself was an important piece of calming, rather than contributing to, Eli’s storm. Retrospectively, I think I had more power than I realized. I felt helpless at times when my child described territory that was, for me, uncharted. I am embarrassed that I did not know that Eli’s overwhelming feeling at this time was one of fear. The antidote to fear, of course, is love. All children need intentional, fierce, and proactive love and acceptance.
Here are my top ten recommendations regarding parenting and gender:
First, do no harm. Do not do anything to make your child more scared than they already are. When I was fearful, I think I did and said things that encouraged my children to shut down their emotions in an effort to help them to achieve calmness, but what this led to was a sort of numbness rather than the skills to navigate and regulate their emotions. I had to learn that when I was really scared, I needed to acknowledge that, and take care of my needs, and then respond to my children intentionally without bringing the fear to them. Back then, I was not skilled at navigating my body’s sensations or fostering self-compassion. I have become better at acknowledging my emotions and also doing brave things. Eli has helped me in this process, as he has artfully navigated the challenges of being trans, and we have grown together. I make more conscious efforts to pause, notice beauty, and cultivate self-awareness than I used to.
Give thanks for your children. When Eli was in crisis as a freshman, before coming out as trans, I gave thanks, continuously, that they were still alive. Eventually, I also developed gratitude for the many new ways of thinking and relating to others that being a trans parent brought me. Eli helped me think more deeply about my own gender. They pushed me, “Mom, how do you know you are a woman?” Having never been asked this question, I wasn’t sure. “Is it your breasts? your genitalia? The fact that you have borne children?” None of those seemed to be the key, so I answered, “I just know, somewhere deep inside, what my gender is.” “Yeah, me too,” Eli replied. By simultaneously acknowledging that bodies and body parts have meaning, but also that they are not important enough to define who we are, I affirmed Eli’s experience and deepened my own understanding.
Get support. When my trans child came out, I was divorced and dating, and I had just learned that my sister was dying of cancer. I told a dear friend that I thought I might need a few therapy sessions. She said, “commit for a year.” I needed this support in order to navigate my own feelings and be able to show up well for all my children.
Start early. You can help your child – regardless of their future gender – make space for gender non-conforming behavior by thinking of gender as one of the many things you are parenting. Many parents envision gender-based milestones for their child, like playing certain sports or having a certain style of wedding. Ask yourself what you really value, and try to let go of the things you have hoped for that hinge on binary gender. Recall what you felt when you were pregnant, “I don’t care what gender it is; I’m just excited to have a child.” You undoubtedly already let your children explore and choose a variety of things – toys, clothes, hairstyles, etc. Be open to gender non-conforming behavior, like boys playing with dolls and girls playing with swords. And realize that this sort of play does not cause your child to be trans. Accept that your children are going to become whoever they are, regardless of whether you put blue or pink ribbons on their presents, and be excited to learn who that is. As your child blossoms into their young adult self, be curious. If you have talked about gender as a spectrum, your children will be aware of the existence of trans people. They will not assume everyone is straight, and they will be less likely to be ashamed or disoriented if they are not.
I had to learn and then explain all this to my parents when Eli came out. They were an incredible support to me and to Eli during the most turbulent times. They were undoubtedly confused, but their love was unconditional. I want to be this accepting of whoever my grandbabies become, and I want to do even better. I want them to grow up in a world where they know that LGBTQ+ people are a beloved part of the human family. This is not just because I love Eli, it is so they will be better equipped to handle their own, and their friend’s, gender journey.
Take your gender-nonconforming child seriously. When my teenager could pass as a boy or a girl, and was often referred to as both, on the same day, I needed to make sure they felt safe using the bathroom. I learned that they were better at reading context clues than I was, so I needed to let them decide which one (this changed over time). Sometimes I took them with me, and sometimes they went with their brother to the men’s. I had the power to shape the perception of others in ways I didn’t understand at first. If a stranger perceives a gender ambiguous person and feels conflict, and a very easily-read person engages with the ambiguous person in a friendly way, the conflict dissipates. Eli sometimes even purposefully said something like, “Did dad give you the keys?” or “Mom, did you get my text?” to signal to others that he was my child, and not a threat. Bathrooms are such fraught spaces that Eli still prefers to have a person known to him go with him into a public restroom, and he avoids locker rooms at all costs.
Let them lead the way. I cautioned Eli against coming out to too many people too soon, and instead of seeing this as loving protection, they felt I was embarrassed of them or not fully on board. I remember saying, “you do not need to be your high school’s poster child for supporting transgender students.” Their response was, “who better?!”
Talk about other complex and emotionally charged topics. This will make talking about gender easier. It will also help your children make good decisions when you are not there, and help them know they can talk about difficult things with you. One of the toughest topics for me was when Eli asked me if I would date a transman. I answered honestly, “I’m not sure. I have never thought about it.” Eli reports he appreciated my honesty, but it was hard to hear, as it seemed I might decide someone like him was not good enough for me. Later I told him I would be thrilled to find a partner as loving and wonderful as he is, and this made him so happy. If I could do it again, I would err on the side of saying “yes, certainly!” because I now have the perspective to see that his question was more about affirming his value than about what I wanted.
Do the work. Seek experiences that are outside of your comfort zone in an effort to develop empathy for people different from you. Eli challenged me, “Mom, you cannot really call yourself an ally if you have never read anything written by or about trans people.” If there are things you do not know – and there are, trust me – about trans people, take classes, watch films, and read books. I found Transgender History by Susan Stryker and Trans bodies, Trans selves: A Resource for the Transgender Community both extremely interesting and helpful.
Let them love. Embrace those who choose your child – even if these new peers are not who you would have chosen for them. Linking arms with their friends, teachers, and other allies, creates a circle of care that makes the trans child feel safer. I took Eli’s feelings seriously. When they told me they were in love senior year in high school, I shared the joy. By celebrating the person that Eli was becoming, and the person who was proactively choosing to love them, I allowed them to imagine a life as a happy trans adult. This confirmed for them that they could excel intellectually, have friends, and build romantic relationships with people who understood all that they were. There was, through this acceptance, an emerging truth that being trans was not just going to be suffering. It made a huge difference to Eli that I, who had loved them first, reached out in love to the people who had chosen to love them as trans.
Give them life-saving love. Show your child that you believe they are lovable, and that you are proud of all the pieces of who they are. They are painfully aware that so many of the trans people who have gone before us did not make it. At one point, Eli read the numbers, and considered “maybe I wasn’t really made for this world.” One of the reasons they have maintained compassion and resilience is that they felt held; we made sure there were no gaps for Eli to fall through.
*I use they as a pronoun to describe my middle child in this article for three reasons: 1. Eli, who often uses he/him, authorized this choice, 2. I intend my remarks to include parents and children of all gender identities, and 3. Many people need practice using they/them pronouns.
Dr. Laura Docter has a PhD in Curriculum, Teaching, and Social Policy and has taught in public and private schools and universities across the country. She is currently most passionate about her new health coaching business, As Yourself. Laura helps people who desire to improve their health through weight loss reach their goals one healthy habit at a time. She lives in Princeton, NJ with her husband, Cam Stout. Eli is a Colorado College graduate and is living in Anchorage, AK with his partner and their dog. When he is not hiking or snowshoeing, he tutors writers and is studying to become a Physical Therapy Assistant.
Throughout the “Sandwich Years” section of this blog, we will provide you support for launching children into adulthood while caring for aging parents.