Big Retired Life engaged in five candid conversations with individuals who collectively shared an average of 22 years of marriage. Delving into the intricacies of later-in-life divorces, our aim was to uncover the unexpected surprises from these diverse experiences and distill valuable advice. These conversations revealed that there’s no one-size-fits-all narrative yet striking commonalities emerged. Navigating this research proved challenging, unveiling the stark reality that divorce is much harder than it appears. It’s akin to grieving a profound loss, yet unlike bereavement, the process often lacks communal support.
Here are the surprises we uncovered:
- “Where’s my effing lasagne?” A tight-knit community knows what to do when someone is injured or sick: they rally together to provide support. But that doesn’t seem to happen for someone who is getting divorced. One divorcee said “If my ex-husband had died, then people would be bringing me casseroles. Instead, they were blaming me for the breakup.”
- Loss of friends: For many people, there was a distinct loss of friends and community. For them, invitations dwindled, and the once close circle of coupled friendships ended. It’s not just about the end of a marital bond but the unraveling of a social fabric. One person marveled “I thought I had closer friendships.” For another, it wasn’t a loss of friendships but the emergence of awkward social interactions. It was surprising that some people would literally “see me and then turn away.” They simply didn’t know what to say. If you aren’t up to asking: “how are you?”—a pro-tip is to say: “it’s good to see you.”
- It’s a lot of work: People don’t understand the sheer magnitude of tasks involved in getting a divorce. The practicality of untangling deeply intertwined lives is a herculean effort that includes updating insurance, changing names, moving homes, reworking wills and trusts, selling properties, and as well as the mundane tasks of splitting a shared Netflix account. This formidable workload combined with making significant decisions and concessions, occurs when a person is at their lowest and in their own words “barely functioning.”
- It’s a financial hit: In a divorce, after everything is settled, nobody feels like they got a fair deal. Separating assets is one thing, but then you need two of certain things, such as two homes. Everything is simply more expensive. The bottom line is nobody comes out feeling like a winner.
- You can’t trust the person you trusted most: When the relationship unravels, you see a different side of your spouse. One person talked about how their spouse “lacked accountability, empathy and kindness as well as started spreading lies to cover their actions.” A few of the spouses had cheated creating a really unsettling experience. The common theme was “Can you trust anyone else again?” For one individual, “My worst nightmare came true and it called into question all of my memories.”
- There’s light at the end: Through all the hardship, it does get better. One individual waxed on about “I have such great friends and so much fun. I love independence more than I ever loved being married. I got my joy and happiness back and that had been severely diminished.”
Here are six pieces of advice:
- Take care of yourself: It’s not always going to hurt as much as it does in the beginning. It’s a harsh storm that you will get through, even if it feels like you won’t. The only way through is feeling it; a grieving process. Visualize yourself on the other side. Put yourself first. Go to therapy, take medication if prescribed, allow yourself to cry, hang out with friends, exercise, eat good food, say “yes” to as many social opportunities as you can. And when you hear yourself laughing at a joke—and you are not thinking of your situation—relish those moments, as that’s when you are starting to be yourself again.
- You are still you: You will feel a loss of identity and a loss of a future you thought you had. One individual explained “My whole identity was wrapped up in this relationship. I didn’t realize how attached I was. That was the most painful part of it.” While one of your descriptors goes away, divorce is not a loss of you. Grieve those losses but be intentional about how you want to fill that descriptor.
- Do the work: Try to look at yourself and learn the lessons you are supposed to learn. If you do the work, then you can achieve post-traumatic growth. One individual’s process looked like this: “I looked at my family and at my own patterns. I learned my lessons and moved on.” Don’t engage in fighting or blaming. Instead of asking: “Why Me?”, ask: “What’s next?” Your life is better without anger and with more humor.
- Find support: Surround yourself with friends and find a support group. According to one person “The best choice I made was to join a divorce recovery group.”
- Don’t let a lawyer talk you into fighting: Think in the long run, how much is it going to cost to you fight? Is it worth it?
- Keep it classy for the kids: If you have kids, you’ll need to get together for weddings and holidays and be on civil terms with your ex, so it’s important to keep the big picture in mind. One individual relayed “I received good advice from friends who were children of divorced parents. Don’t make your kids choose which house to go to or which parent to invite.” Don’t degenerate the other person and to the extent that you can, do things together.
What’s next? For some, dating…
For some individuals, dating was a happy surprise. They learned they could date in middle age. They could use dating apps and have fun. Just keep in mind that everyone who is dating in mid-life is bringing some past experiences and only through open and honest communication can that be successful. One person highlighted that it’s important to “find others who have also done the work.”
As we delved into the surprises and advice gleaned from these personal narratives, it became evident that divorce, particularly later in life, demands a nuanced understanding. A guiding principle surfaced amid these conversations: the recovery process takes a year for every five years of marriage, underscoring the profound and time-intensive nature of healing from such a significant life transition.
Throughout this “Going It Alone” section of this blog, we will share learnings from others navigating retirement alone, so that you don’t have to do it all alone.